The Absentee

The Absentee

Maria Edgeworth

'Are you to be at Lady Clonbrony's gala next week?' said Lady Langdale to Mrs. Dareville, whilst they were waiting for their carriages in the crush-room of the opera house.

'Oh yes! everybody's to be there, I hear,' replied Mrs. Dareville. 'Your ladyship, of course?'

'Why, I don't know--if I possibly can. Lady Clonbrony makes it such a point with me, that I believe I must look in upon her for a few minutes. They are going to a prodigious expense on this occasion. Soho tells me the reception rooms are all to be new furnished, and in the most magnificent style.'

'At what a famous rate those Clonbronies are dashing on,' said Colonel Heathcock. 'Up to anything.'

'Who are they?--these Clonbronies, that one hears of so much of late' said her Grace of Torcaster. 'Irish absentees I know. But how do they support all this enormous expense?'

'The son WILL have a prodigiously fine estate when some Mr. Quin dies,' said Mrs. Dareville.

'Yes, everybody who comes from Ireland WILL have a fine estate when somebody dies,' said her grace. 'But what have they at present?'

'Twenty thousand a year, they say,' replied Mrs. Dareville.

'Ten thousand, I believe,' cried Lady Langdale. 'Make it a rule, you know, to believe only half the world says.'

'Ten thousand, have they?--possibly,' said her grace. 'I know nothing about them--have no acquaintance among the Irish. Torcaster knows something of Lady Clonbrony; she has fastened herself, by some means, upon him: but I charge him not to COMMIT me. Positively, I could not for anybody--and much less for that sort of person--extend the circle of my acquaintance.'

'Now that is so cruel of your grace,' said Mrs. Dareville, laughing, 'when poor Lady Clonbrony works so hard, and pays so high, to get into certain circles.'

'If you knew all she endures, to look, speak, move, breathe like an Englishwoman, you would pity her,' said Lady Langdale.

'Yes, and you CAWNT conceive the PEENS she TEEKES to talk of the TEEBLES and CHEERS, and to thank Q, and, with so much TEESTE, to speak pure English,' said Mrs. Dareville.

'Pure cockney, you mean,' said Lady Langdale.

'But why does Lady Clonbrony want to pass for English?' said the duchess.

'Oh! because she is not quite Irish. BRED AND BORN--only bred, not born,' said Mrs. Dareville. 'And she could not be five minutes in your grace's company before she would tell you, that she was HENGLISH, born in HOXFORDSHIRE.'

'She must be a vastly amusing personage. I should like to meet her, if one could see and hear her incog.,' said the duchess. 'And Lord Clonbrony, what is he?'

'Nothing, nobody,' said Mrs. Dareville; 'one never even hears of him.'

'A tribe of daughters, too, I suppose?'

'No, no,' said Lady Langdale, 'daughters would be past all endurance.'

'There's a cousin, though, a Grace Nugent,' said Mrs. Dareville, 'that Lady Clonbrony has with her.'

'Best part of her, too,' said Colonel Heathcock; 'd-d fine girl!--never saw her look better than at the opera to-night!'

'Fine COMPLEXION! as Lady Clonbrony says, when she means a high colour,' said Lady Langdale.

'Grace Nugent is not a lady's beauty,' said Mrs. Dareville. 'Has she any fortune, colonel?'

''Pon honour, don't know,' said the colonel.

'There's a son, somewhere, is not there?' said Lady Langdale.

'Don't know, 'pon honour,' replied the colonel.

'Yes--at Cambridge--not of age yet,' said Mrs. Dareville. 'Bless me! here is Lady Clonbrony come back. I thought she was gone half an hour ago!'

'Mamma,' whispered one of Lady Langdale's daughters, leaning between her mother and Mrs. Dareville, 'who is that gentleman that passed us just now?'

'Which way?'

'Towards the door. There now, mamma, you can see him. He is speaking to Lady Clonbrony--to Miss Nugent. Now Lady Clonbrony is introducing him to Miss Broadhurst.'

Full of what he had heard, and impatient to obtain further information respecting the state of his father's affairs, Lord Colambre hastened home; but his father was out, and his mother was engaged with Mr. Soho, directing, or rather being directed, how her apartments should be fitted up for her gala. As Lord Colambre entered the room, he saw his mother, Miss Nugent, and Mr. Soho, standing at a large table, which was covered with rolls of paper, patterns, and drawings of furniture: Mr. Soho was speaking in a conceited dictatorial tone, asserting that there was no 'colour in nature for that room equal to THE BELLY-O'-THE FAWN;' which BELLY-O'-THE FAWN he so pronounced that Lady Clonbrony understood it to be LA BELLE UNIFORME, and, under this mistake, repeated and assented to the assertion till it was set to rights, with condescending superiority, by the upholsterer. This first architectural upholsterer of the age, as he styled himself, and was universally admitted to be by all the world of fashion, then, with full powers given to him, spoke EN MAITRE. The whole face of things must be changed--there must be new hangings, new draperies, new cornices, new candelabras, new everything!

The upholsterer's eye, in a fine frenzy rolling, Glances from ceiling to floor, from floor to ceiling; And, as imagination bodies forth The form of things unknown, th' upholsterer's pencil Turns to shape and gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a NAME.

Of the value of a NAME no one could be more sensible than Mr. Soho.

'Your la'ship sees--this is merely a scratch of my pencil--your la'ship's sensible--just to give you an idea of the shape, the form of the thing. You fill up your angles here with ECOINIERES--round your walls with the TURKISH TENT DRAPERY--a fancy of my own--in apricot cloth, or crimson velvet, suppose, or EN FLUTE, in crimson satin draperies, fanned and riched with gold fringes, EN SUITE--intermediate spaces, Apollo's heads with gold rays--and here, ma'am, you place four CHANCELIERES, with chimeras at the corners, covered with blue silk and silver fringe, elegantly fanciful--with my STATIRA CANOPY here--light blue silk draperies--aerial tint, with silver balls--and for seats here, the SERAGLIO OTTOMANS, superfine scarlet--your paws--griffin--golden--and golden tripods, here, with antique cranes--and oriental alabaster tables here and there--quite appropriate, your la'ship feels.

'And--let me reflect. For the next apartment, it strikes me--as your la'ship don't value expense--THE ALHAMBRA HANGINGS--my own thought entirely. Now, before I unroll them, Lady Clonbrony, I must beg you'll not mention I've shown them. I give you my sacred honour, not a soul has set eye upon the Alhambra hangings, except Mrs. Dareville, who stole a peep; I refused, absolutely refused, the Duchess of Torcaster--but I can't refuse your la'ship. So see, ma'am--(unrolling them)--scagliola porphyry columns supporting the grand dome--entablature, silvered and decorated with imitative bronze ornaments; under the entablature, A VALANCE IN PELMETS, of puffed scarlet silk, would have an unparalleled grand effect, seen through the arches--with the TREBISOND TRELLICE PAPER, would make a TOUT ENSEMBLE, novel beyond example. On that Trebisond trellice paper, I confess, ladies, I do pique myself.

'Then, for the little room, I recommend turning it temporarily into a Chinese pagoda, with this CHINESE PAGODA PAPER, with the PORCELAIN border, and josses, and jars, and beakers to match; and I can venture to promise one vase of pre-eminent size and beauty. Oh, indubitably! if your la'ship prefers it, you can have the EGYPTIAN HIEROGLYPHIC PAPER, with the IBIS BORDER to match! The only objection is, one sees it everywhere--quite antediluvian--gone to the hotels even; but, to be sure, if your la'ship has a fancy--At all events, I humbly recommend, what her Grace of Torcaster longs to patronise, my MOON CURTAINS, with candlelight draperies. A demisaison elegance this--I hit off yesterday--and--true, your la'ship's quite correct--out of the common, completely. And, of course, you'd have the SPHYNX CANDELABRAS, and the Phoenix argands. Oh! nothing else lights now, ma'am! Expense! Expense of the whole! Impossible to calculate here on the spot!--but nothing at all worth your ladyship's consideration!'